general anxiety disorder

General Anxiety Disorder – 5 Months on Meds

Even if you’re taking meds for general anxiety disorder, it can still try to or, and sometimes succeed in hijacking your brain.

I’ve been on my anti-anxiety medication since December (I wrote about that here).

I have good days and bad days. Sometimes the bad days are pretty justified and I can give a good reason why they’re bad, while others I can only blame on my GAD.

There are some running themes, though. Here are the messed-up thoughts that pass through my head pretty often:

Scenario 1: The guy I’ve been seeing hasn’t texted or called in over 24 hours.

Anxiety: He’s done with me. What did I do wrong? You’re just too weird. Time to cry.

Reality: He’s busy. He works a lot, has his own place and a social life, and he also likes time to himself, like YOU do.

Scenario 2: I’m at work writing something important.

Anxiety: This is going to be sub-par. Ignore your better reasoning to fix this and that. Just hurry up and get it done because it’s going to suck anyway.

Reality: Take your time to do it the right way, and it’ll be fine. Put plenty of effort into it, and trust yourself.

Scenario 3: I get in the car to drive somewhere.

Anxiety: This is the day you’re going to die.

Reality: Your car is in good shape, and you’re a careful driver. Just mind your Ps and Qs and you’ll be fine.

Scenario 4: I have to talk to a stranger.

Anxiety: You’re so socially inept, you’re definitely going to make an ass out of yourself.

Reality: If you relax and trust yourself, you’ll do just fine. This is not a big deal.

What I’ve Learned About General Anxiety Disorder

Here’s something you might have heard before if you have any kind of mental illness:

“It’s all in your head.”

Yes. It is in your head. That’s where your brain is.

What they mean to say is, it’s not real. You’re just making it up or letting yourself get carried away.

You might already feel like what you’re feeling isn’t justified. You might already be thinking that you have no real reason to feel anxious, but it’s happening anyway. It’s not something you can control.

That’s the key here: you can’t control it. Just like how I can’t just tell myself that I don’t have asthma. I still have to take a control inhaler every day. It’s a chronic illness, only it’s in my lungs instead of my brain.

Sometimes though, it can actually be comforting when you stop and think: This isn’t really me.

There are a few things I’ve been doing that I noticed have been helping me lately…

Lavender tea.

“Mental health days.”

Soaking in a bath tub.

Being outside.

Taking deep breaths.

Watching funny videos on YouTube.

There are a lot more, but those are my main ones.

I’m talking about my own experiences with General Anxiety Disorder because you can feel alone and weird at times. It’s nice to know that you’re not alone or weird at all.

Lessons from Mercury Retrograde -

Mercury Retrograde is Your Tactless, Way-Too-Blunt Friend

I just realized Mercury Retrograde is that one asshole friend who actually has good intentions.

They show you where you need to get your shit together, but they show you in the most annoying ways possible.

This is actually a really great way to look at how beneficial this can be.

Mercury retro has a bigger reputation for just being annoying and even just plain bad. Flights are delayed, cars break down, computers have issues more than normal, internet connections and phone service gets choppy, etc.

You might also have a big disagreement with someone, that might seem petty and silly, but if you look deeper, there’s a lesson to be learned. Somewhere in there is a call to action to become smarter, better and more mature.

Why am I waxing philosophical about a planet, you ask?

I’ve been interested in astrology for a long time. It’s just another way to learn about people, trends, and the world around us.

Here’s a Quick and Dirty Breakdown of What Mercury Retrograde Is:

In classical astrology, Mercury is the planet that governs travel and communication.

“Mercury, the messenger of the gods, is the ruler of Gemini and Virgo. Mercury is the messenger in Astrology as it is in Mythology. It is the planet of day-to-day expression and communication. Mercury’s action is to take things apart and put them back together again. It is an opportunistic planet, decidedly unemotional and curious.” – Cafe Astrology on Mercury

That part of things getting taken apart — I bolded that part, because we can see that the most during Mercury Retrograde.

SO what does it mean when I planet goes Retrograde?

“Retrograde” means “to move backward”.

Planets can’t actually move backwards. What’s actually happening, is Earth is bypassing the planet, which makes it appear to slow down and go backwards for a bit.

It’s like if you were in a fast moving car, and you start to pass another car that’s going a little slower. You can see that the car you’re passing is moving forward, but when you start to pass it, it appears to slow down and go backwards.

“Typically, the planets shift slightly eastward from night to night, drifting slowly against the backdrop of stars. From time to time, however, they change direction. For a few months, they’ll head west before turning back around and resuming their easterly course. This is “retrograde motion”. Though it baffled ancient astronomers, we know now that retrograde planets are an illusion caused by the motion of Earth.” From EarthSky.org

That all makes perfect sense, but how would a far away planet that LOOKS like it’s going backwards make my internet connect go out?

All we can really do is speculate, observe and make connections in some things. That’s why astrology is a pseudoscience. We’ll never be able to prove anything or have solid answers. We can only just watch as things unfold, and use our observations to learn.

Lessons from Your Annoying Friend, Mercury Retrograde

Since Mercury likes to take things apart and put them back together, take the opportunity to make improvements on things while they’re dismantled. Upgrade. Get better replacement parts.

For example:

I was having a conversation with my boss the other day on ways to improve one major aspect of my job.

Previously, I couldn’t figure out what the problem was.

We talked about it, took apart the problem, saw where the discrepancies. Now I can work at putting it back together so that it works way better than it did before.

During the convo, however, I felt annoyed, almost insulted.

But that’s really silly when you realize that you can use what you’re going through at the moment to fix it.

Lesson #1 From Mercury Retrograde: Don’t Take it Personal

Mercury doesn’t care about your feelings.

It doesn’t care that you were late for work today, or that you got into a tiff with your significant other.

Mercury cares about how things work. Mercury wants to know what makes things tick. It wants to get inside the motor and tinker to make that knocking sound stop. Ah, that’s better.

Lesson #2 From Mercury Retrograde: Get Your Ducks in a Row

Think you have your shit together? Think again.

If there’s one little discrepancy somewhere, Mercury Retrograde will call it out.

You have the choice to face it and learn from it, or ignore it.

I’m using this time to take a step back and do the RE’s:

  • Reassess
  • Repair
  • Revamp
  • Redo
  • Renovate

You get the idea.

Do you see a pattern here? Look back at when Mercury was going retrograde, as well as right now. Did some crazy or weird shite happen during those times, as well as now?

body positivity

Body Positivity & A Love Letter to My Body

Body positivity isn’t something we’re taught.

We’re taught to think there’s something wrong with us at all times. How else will they sell us weight loss programs, wrinkle creams and other products that will make us eternally desirable?

I’m tired of feeling this way, especially when it comes to things I can’t change.

“Your body hears everything your mind says.” -Naomi Judd

Staying positive about the way you look can be hard for anyone, no matter what you look like. No matter how many people might tell you that you look good.

Unless you’re okay with yourself, nothing else really matters.

An Exercise in Body Positivity: Write Your Body an Apology/Love Letter

Dear Body,

I want to start out by saying I’m so sorry.

I’m sorry I’ve put you down for so long. I regret sticking my finger down my throat after dinner and making you sick and weak.

You didn’t deserve that. You’ve always done a damn good job of getting me from place to place, and keeping my safe.

I regret looking at you and feeling terrible.

Your dimples and lumps are just fine. Your muscles are strong. Nothing on you is “too big” or “too small”. Your scars and stretchmarks show the story of my life.

I worked hard to make you look good and stay healthy, and I don’t hold it against you that parts of you don’t live up to exactly what I wanted.

Here is my promise to you from now on:

I promise to try to feed you what you need to stay strong and healthy.

I promise to not damage you ever again.

I promise to protect you and not poison you.

I promise to look at you and feel grateful.

I promise to keep you strong without overworking you.

Thank you for serving me so well. You deserve only the best.

Love,
Me

PS: If you’re feeling down and want to remind yourself that your body is beautiful, go to My Body Gallery and select your height, age, weight, pants size, shirt size and body shape. You’ll get a gallery of women who look like you! Body positivity is also about positive representation, and seeing women in media who resemble you. This can help you quite a bit, because you won’t feel alone, and you’ll realize that they all look pretty damn good!

universe-matter-life

“Don’t waste a second…” The law of the universe, matter, and life.

“At 19, I read a sentence that re-terraformed my head: “The level of matter in the universe has been constant since the Big Bang.”

In all the aeons we have lost nothing, we have gained nothing – not a speck, not a grain, not a breath. The universe is simply a sealed, twisting kaleidoscope that has reordered itself a trillion trillion trillion times over.

Each baby, then, is a unique collision – a cocktail, a remix – of all that has come before: made from molecules of Napoleon and stardust and comets and whale tooth; colloidal mercury and Cleopatra’s breath: and with the same darkness that is between the stars between, and inside, our own atoms.

When you know this, you suddenly see the crowded top deck of the bus, in the rain, as a miracle: this collection of people is by way of a starburst constellation. Families are bright, irregular-shaped nebulae. Finding a person you love is like galaxies colliding. We are all peculiar, unrepeatable, perambulating micro-universes – we have never been before and we will never be again. Oh God, the sheer exuberant, unlikely face of our existences.

The honor of being alive. They will never be able to make you again. Don’t you dare waste a second of it thinking something better will happen when it ends. Don’t you dare.”

— Caitlin Moran

tarot card tattoo

Tarot Card Tattoo – The Strength Card

I can’t wait to get my strength tarot card tattoo!

strength tarot card

Strength tarot card

I love the meaning behind it:

The meaning of the Strength Tarot card is about knowing that you can endure life’s obstacles by drawing upon your inner strength and confidence. You have great stamina and persistence, tempered by an underlying patience and inner calm. You are focused on what you need to do, and you go about it in a way that demonstrates great composure and maturity.

The Strength Tarot card also reflects a compassionate approach. You are like the woman in this card who offers love and patience to the ferocious lion in order to be able to tame him. You give others space and you are tolerant of their needs. You are accepting and can easily forgive any imperfections. In doing this, you create a safe and trusting environment where you can then gently influence others. This demonstrates a level of ‘soft’ control, persuading and coaxing others to your way of thinking. – Biddy Tarot

The style of the illustration on the card above is what I want it to look like. If the artist I go to can improve on it, then it’s up for debate!

I’m sure I’m not the only person in the world who has the strength tarot card tattoo. After all, the tarot cards are widely known, and the Strength card is exceptionally cool. What’s more empowering than a woman taming a wild beast, just with her charms and gentleness?

I’m thinking of getting it on my right arm just above my elbow. That leaves the rest of my upper arm open for a galactic or mystical design that can be sprouting out of the sun and moon in the tarot card design.

After I buy a car, this will be my next big money goal!

the perks of being single

Perks of Being Single (and Happy) at 30

It’s a scary thing, ending a marriage, but I’m really starting to see the perks of being single.

Or really, any long term relationship. Right now, I’m torn between wanting to be in a relationship or remaining single. I guess when you’re not sure, always pick the latter.

I went through a very long stretch of not being single, so it feels weird. I need to learn how to be by myself.

I got married when I was 22. I’m now 30 and single.

That means for most of my 20s, the time where many people are dating and figuring out exactly what they want, I was already married.

I’m not saying I regret anything. Absolutely not.

Everything you do leads you to different realizations. I guess I can go into my 30s now with a different outlook on life.

A few of the Perks of Being Single That Became Clear:

As a single person, I don’t have to answer to anyone!

I only have my own bills to pay (which are pretty small on their own and I can save money!)!

My world of possibilities is wide open.

Don’t get me wrong — my ex husband is a great guy. I couldn’t have asked for a better Dad for my son. And he gave me my most favorite person in the world, who is a fantastically smart and sweet little boy.

I’m also lucky that there were no custody issues, because we get along and we’re both good parents. There were no fights. I just needed something different for my life.

I need to figure out how to be my own person, for one thing.

It’s funny how you don’t realize that so much of your life and who you are revolves around your significant other.

As long as you’re happy together and both have a solid understanding of each other and yourselves, it’s fine to be so tied into someone.

Unless your identity also hinges on them, and you’re not really in-tune with yourself and what you want…

This has been a huuuge part of me working on my own personal rebirth this year.

“I once had a dreams of becoming a beautiful poet, but upon an unfortunate series of events some of those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken.
But I didn’t really mind, because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted, and then losing it to know what true freedom is.”
Lana Del Rey

Lady GaGa at Emotion Revolution Summit on being true to yourself

Emotion Revolution Summit – Lady GaGa on Being True to Yourself

☕ Emotion Revolution Summit was held at Yale in 2015. ☕


“I invented myself and curated my life to be an expression of my pain. This is how I overcame my depression — by creating someone who I felt was stronger than me… but once I went through all sorts of changes, my career taking off, becoming more isolated, nothing was able to fix how I was genetically made. I was born this way. So, how do we now, knowing that no matter how much success you have, no matter how many opportunities, fame, fortune… no matter how many people accept you to your face… the person who really needs to accept you is you.” – Lady GaGa

GaGa’s speech at the Emotion Revolution Summit at Yale last year is over 1 hr long, and it’s something so many of us have needed to hear.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the surface crap in every aspect of life, and very much so on social media. I follow Lady GaGa on Facebook and noticed that she hadn’t been posting in a while. It’s healthy to take a step back from it once in a while. I’ve done that a few times, myself.

Rebirth is a beautiful thing. We need some time to ourselves for that, and it seems like GaGa has done that recently. I haven’t watched AHS Hotel yet and I can’t wait to see her in it. Aside from that and her incredible rendition of the US national anthem at Super Bowl 50, I hadn’t seen a lot of her before that.

It’s amazing what you can discover on the internet that the mainstream media doesn’t cover.

Had I not been “wasting time” on Tumblr I probably would have never seen this video. I always liked her it always seemed like she was being 100% herself. This a huge part of my own renaissance that I kicked off this year.

She also mentions in this speech how she has to take medication for anxiety/depression (I started mine in December).

But she doesn’t fail to mention that she is trying other more natural and spiritual methods to help with her mental health (which you can also count as your spiritual health if you want). Everyone is different of course, so one way might work for one and not for others.

The most basic part of this is not being afraid to be 100% true to yourself, because at the end of the day you need to love and accept yourself above all other things.

40before40

40 Before 40

I’m already 30, and there are plenty of things I still want to do! So I came up with a “40 before 40” list, so I can keep better track.

[ ] Sleep all night under the stars.

[ ] Go fishing.

[ ] Visit Iceland.

[ ] Watch the northern lights.

[ ] Take an archery class, or learn on my own.

40 before 40

[ ] Go to Vegas.

[ ] Drive through the desert at night.

[ ] Be fully comfortable being me.

[ ] Eat at a fancy restaurant.

[ ] Invent my own signature fragrance.

[ ] Go to Disney World with my son.

[ ] Grow my own garden.

[ ] Eat mostly fresh foods in my diet.

[ ] Become a pescatarian.

40 before 40

[ ] See the Grand Canyon.

[ ] Still have this blog by then.

[ ] Hang out a lot more with my friends.

[ ] Throw a surprise party for someone.

[ ] Go to NYC in the summer.

[ ] Visit New Orleans.

40 before 40[ ] Have an astrologer draw up and interpret my birth chart.

[ ] Have a midsummer party.

[ ] Watch a meteor shower with someone I love.

[ ] Actually have sex on the beach.

[ ] Go to a music festival.

[ ] Go to a masquerade ball.

[ ] Be in a flash mob.

[ ] Dress as the absinthe fairy for Halloween.

[ ] Go to an awesome Halloween costume party.

[ ] Have professional glamour shots taken.

[ ] Visit California (any part).

40 before 40

[ ] See the ocean again.

[ ] See Stonehenge.

[ ] Ride a motorcycle.

[ ] Go skinny dipping in a natural body of water.

[ ] Dye my hair all in bright colors.

[ ] Go on a long road trip to no where in particular.

[ ] Get allergy shots so I can get a dog.

[ ] Get at least 3 more of the tattoos I want.

witch

Advice to the little witch children

“Advice to the witch children:

1. Step softly.

2. Coat your words in honey, but keep your nails as claws.

3. Listen to the ghosts.

4. Carry always a bird in your chest and a lion in your head.

5. Know that age is not wisdom, and there is as much to be learned from trees as from the books they become.

6. You are not born with a family. Make one.

7. Remember that a thing does not need purpose to have beauty.

8. Do not allow yourself to become chained to logic and order.

9. Revel in chaos, then bend it to your will.

10. Use your wide eyes for watching, your rabbit feet for running, your small size for slipping away unseen.

11. Let them underestimate you.

12. When you open your mouth and frogs leap out, do not be ashamed.

13. You are the changeling children, magic born into small bodies with untried hearts.

Do not waste them.”

– Source Unknown

wardrobe

Spring summer wardrobe plans 2k16….

Don’t use this as your “what’s hot for spring+summer fashion 2016!!”, because I don’t know about the hottest newest looks. These are just my personal spring summer wardrobe plans.

Bustier/corset tops have always appealed to me. They’re sexy and flattering on everyone and they come in soo many different styles.

Also, anything comfy and flowy.

Flowy rompers.

Flowy wide leg pants.

Colorful prints are a bonus.

Frickin’ backless sun dresses.

These were never a part of my spring summer wardrobe. In fact, I haven’t even worn a skirt since 2007 at my wedding.

Crochet midriff tops.

On an overall note, my change in how I feel about fashion is part of my personal rebirth….

The changes I’ve been doing through lately in every possible way. I wrote about that a few months ago, and it’s been crazy. I’ll go into more detail as things unfold.